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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26891218">here is the repeated image of a lover destroyed</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suchagayhumanbeing/pseuds/Suchagayhumanbeing'>Suchagayhumanbeing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>you want a better story. who wouldn’t? [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bullying, Episode: s03e02 In Name and Blood, Episode: s10e13 Nelson's Sparrow, Guilt, One-Shots, Post-Episode: s08e12 Zugzwang, Schizophrenia, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragedy, blood tw, drug use tw, for anything, its more like a: hey! do you like being sad about reid? this is the fic for you, past spencer reid, s11 ep8: a beautiful disaster, season 13, suicide TW, tags will be updated as fic updates, warning: this is in no way a fix it fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:48:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,561</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26891218</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suchagayhumanbeing/pseuds/Suchagayhumanbeing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>spencer reid can't escape tragedy. his whole life's been riddled with it. he wishes he could forget. </p><p> </p><p>(one-shots about reid and his endless tragedies over the years)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aaron Hotchner &amp; Spencer Reid, Alex Blake &amp; Spencer Reid, Diana Reid &amp; Spencer Reid, Jason Gideon &amp; Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid &amp; William Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>you want a better story. who wouldn’t? [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983397</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>111</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. as for me, i go on. alone now, forever alone.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>"behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic." - oscar wilde</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It is 1985, and William Reid is packing his things. He's yelling at Diana Reid and he’s gently whispering to his child in between angry comebacks and Spencer is wishing his father would yell at him. He is wishing his father wouldn’t be so gentle towards him. Not while his shaking hands were shoving his life into a suitcase to take far away from his family who needs him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“it’s going to be okay, son.” William whispers and Spencer Reid wishes his father wouldn’t lie. it wouldn’t be okay, never again, and his father knew that, of course he did. He wonders how lies slip so easily from William Reid's mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His father is telling his son that he loves him, and his son wants to believe it, he so desperately wants it to be true. but he is smart. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(too smart, this is why william is leaving them.)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span> He's only four years old, but he knows what love is. He loves his mother. He loves his father. He'd never leave them. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>he’s stronger than his father.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>William Reid does not love his family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer is a child, but he’s already perfected the art of lying. He's learned it from the very man he lies to. He lies to his dad and says he believes him. He pretends to forgive him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He is only four years old, but he knows his father will never come back. Spencer Reid is only four years old and he’s seen too many films and read too many books and he knows too many words he shouldn't know and this is why his father is leaving. Diana Reid isn’t taking her medicine and sees black helicopters following her and she locks herself in her room for days at a time and this is why his father is leaving. William Reid isn’t strong enough and lies to himself that he’s doing what needs to be done, and Spencer feeds his delusions and tells his father that he forgives him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer is rattling off statistics because this is all he knows how to do, and his father says something but Spencer doesn’t want to hear it. He's trying to make William understand how much he’s going to hurt his child, and he’s showing his father the numbers he’s memorized but the older man turns away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(children in a single parent household have a less percentage of getting a higher education than those in a two-parent household.)</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>maybe he knows. maybe this is why he is leaving. so you’ll be normal.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The echo of William zipping up his suitcase rings in their ears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The finale.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Diana is screaming hysterically at William, and he is screaming back and Spencer is in the corner already subtracting his dad’s income from the taxes he files for his mom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And when footsteps stomp next to him and continue to the door, he is still doing math but he’s moved on, now figuring out how he’s going to pay for the electricity bill.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door slams open (water bill)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>More screaming, but further this time. (rent)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The slam of a car door. (gas)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The screech of tires and a shouted apology. (phone bill)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Spencer.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He runs toward Diana's arms and she scoops him up, drying her tears on his striped pajamas. She smiles up at him, her eyes red and lips cracked from screaming at her long-gone husband.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re gonna be okay, baby.” she whispers, her voice hoarse. “we’re gonna be fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer believes her.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Spencer Reid is four years old and he’s reading Proust and Shakespeare and he can read 900 words per minute and he’s too smart for his own good. He knows all about tragedy and comedy and he knows how to put different emotions on because he’s read too many books and seen too many plays and he’s practiced in the mirror before silent family dinners. Spencer loves science and math and he solves equations for fun and his mother loves hearing about them when she recognizes him. He writes poetry that has words even his parents don’t know and he’s memorized the dictionary and the thesaurus and the latest encyclopedias and he’s disagreeing with people who call him a genius because he’s just a fascinated boy. Spencer Reid is watching his mother fall apart and is staring into the empty spaces William left and he’s deciding to toughen up because no one else would. No one else can. Not even his own father, not anymore.


He is only four, but he’s already becoming a hero.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(He learns later: heroes suffer)</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. i might be broken, but i swear i’m not ruined yet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>1991; spencer is 10 years old</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>“give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly.” -florence + the machine</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is 1991, and Spencer has blood in his mouth. </p><p>A foot buries itself into Reid's stomach, and he’s spitting blood onto his old sweater vest. </p><p>(The vest is already dark red. he knows the price of being intelligent.) </p><hr/><p>Spencer Reid is being beaten, but it’s different this time. </p><hr/><p>A boy named Ethan is kicking him with tears in his eyes. He's apologizing between every kick, and Spencer can feel the hesitation and mercy with every collision.</p><p> </p><p>(Ethan was his friend. <em> Is </em> his friend. His greasy hair that barely fits behind his hair is falling now, sticking to his tear-soaked face. He’s sniffling, squeezing his eyes shut in a useless attempt to hide his anguish from the howling bullies. Spencer and Ethan have locked eyes, and they’re apologizing wordlessly and they’re sobbing on each other’s shoulders without moving a muscle. He knows Ethan is holding back, and he knows the bullies notice it. He doesn’t deserve the mercy he’s being shown.)</p><p> </p><p>(Spencer knows what mercy is, but he doesn’t learn it from reading the dictionary. (he’s read it eight times over by the time he’s 10). He learns it from his enemies. He learns what mercy is when the bullies decide they’re too tired to beat Spencer up some days, he learns what mercy is when they spare him a beating because he helped them pass a test. He learns about mercy from the people who often show him none.) </p><p>Spencer's bullies are laughing and cheering and threatening Ethan, and through the blood in his mouth, Spencer is apologizing. He's begging the other boy to forgive him, because he should’ve known better than to make friends. He knows what happens to them, he knows the price of someone loving him. </p><p>Reid's stomach is kicked again, and he groans, letting blood fall from his parted lips. </p><p> </p><p><em> Perhaps this is the price of forgiveness </em>. </p><hr/><p>That night, when Ethan comes to his door, crying and begging to be forgiven, Spencer accepts his apology.</p><p> </p><p>Then he tells Ethan to never talk to him again.</p><p> </p><p>Spencer knows what the world does to people. He’s only 10, and he’s been broken a hundred times over and he knows what happens to those who are holding his hand through it. </p><p>They crack too. </p><p> </p><p>He is only 10, and the world is breaking him. </p><p>He isn’t about to take anyone down with him.</p><p> </p><p>Spencer Reid loves math and history and science and he is in 9th grade at ten years old and there are bruises on his face. The old blend with the new and he can point out each stage of healing each one is at and he knows why they turned different colors and he learns that other people don’t like to hear about it. He learns people don’t like hearing about how much he knows. </p><p>He can do calculus and statistics and organic chemistry at ten years old and he learns that people didn’t like how smart he was. Spencer Reid can never stop talking about the new things he knows, and he eventually doesn’t have to take an anatomy class to know about bruises and broken bones and how they heal. He learns it all on his own. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading!! &lt;3 more chapters coming soon!! please leave a comment/kudos if you enjoyed it, if you want :))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. because i cry secretly, i still delve in dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>it is 1993. the aftermath of the goalpost.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>“a wound gives off its own light, surgeons say. if all the lamps in the house were turned out, you could dress this wound by what shines from it.” -unknown</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is 1993 and Spencer is sunburnt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(screaming, begging, rope digging into his flesh.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He would like to think he’d fallen asleep on the beach. maybe forgotten to put sunscreen on, maybe he’d been having too much fun to notice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(tears, cruel laughter, mockery.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Goalpost- a post supporting a crossbar and, with it, forming the goal on a playing field in certain sports, as football.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It is 1993, and Spencer is walking home from school at 12:36 am. Every inch of his skin is flowing with humiliation and it’s leaking from his eyes without permission and he’s wishing he wouldn’t have to be so smart, he’s wishing he didn’t have to remember everything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(the burn of the rope. the red-hot embarrassment. the cold metal of the goalpost, the cruel hands of his classmates.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A goalpost is one of two vertical posts that constitutes the goal in various games.</p>
<p>The definitions from 6 different dictionaries float around in his mind,and he feels the agony of the words being branded into him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(the burning sun, blinding white of the opposite goalpost, mocking laughter)</p>
<p>(he thinks the bullies’ laughter sounds like hyenas.)</p>
<p>Hyena- a doglike carnivore of the family Hyaenidae, of Africa, southwestern Asia, and south central Asia, having a coarse coat, a sloping back, and large teeth and feeding chiefly on carrion, often in packs.</p>
<p>His memorization of the dictionary infuriated his classmates, and he’d read enough psychology books to know it made them feel inferior. He often thought about how much he deserved the beatings. </p>
<p>Spencer's foot catches on uneven sidewalk and he trips and his knees scrape on the dirty concrete and he’s starting to bleed but he doesn’t even feel it.</p>
<p>he’s afraid he can’t feel anything anymore.</p>
<p>The tears come regardless and they drip onto his red chest and he’s picking himself up and trying not to think of a-</p>
<p>Goalpost- either of the two upright posts of a goal</p>
<p>This will be the death of him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> (perhaps he’s already dead.) </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spencer Reid arrives home at 12:40.</p>
<p>His mother is nowhere to be seen.</p>
<p>Schizophrenia- a severe mental disorder characterized by some, but not necessarily all, of the following features: emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations. </p>
<p>He hears his mother in her room. quiet mumbles, rushed ramblings, whispered whimpers.</p>
<p>He goes to his room.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Spencer Reid is 12 years old and he’s graduating high school and he’s learning how much the world hates him. He's mastered calculus and trigonometry and american literature and he’s bursting with knowledge and he’s figuring out how to stay quiet when people ask him things. Spencer is in 12th grade at 12 years old and he’s wishing he were older so he could fit in with the knowledge flowing from his lips and sometimes he wishes he were dumber so he could make friends and be normal. He’s memorized 13 of shakespeare’s plays and he rewrites schrodinger's equation to relax and he’s filled with knowledge others say he shouldn’t have. he reads dozens of psychology books and the art of reading someone is second nature to him and he learns how to tell if someone wants to hear him talk about things they hardly understand.</p>
<p>Spencer is twelve years old and he already knows how cruel the world can be with its merciless punches and kicks and sneers that burn into his skin and yet he’s picking up books that tell him how to help people. Spencer Reid is only twelve years old and he’s trying to be a hero because he wants to save the world. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(if not the world, then at least one person. he could save her. He had to save her.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ahh thanks for reading!! i hope u liked it :)) leave a comment/kudos if you did!! (if you want &lt;3) chapter 4 coming soon</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. i am not my own friend. time cuts me in two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>it is 1993, and a week after the goalpost. spencer wonders how longer he can keep going.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>“my god, i’m so lonely. so i open the window to hear the sounds of people...and i know no one will save me.” -mitski</p>
<p>tw: suicidal thoughts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is 1993 and it has been exactly 7 days, 12 hours and 45 minutes since Spencer's classmates tied him to a goalpost and left him to rot and he already has fresh bruises on his chest.</p>
<p>He is tired.</p>
<p>Every day, he drags himself to and from school and stays in the library for as long as he can and recites Shakespeare in his mind as punches reunite themselves with his body. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> As an unperfect actor on the stage, </em>
</p>
<p>“Freak!” another kick.</p>
<p>
  <em> Who with his fear is put besides his part, </em>
</p>
<p>Another punch. He knows it will bruise.</p>
<p>
  <em> Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage. </em>
</p>
<p>A powerful kick and a groan and cruel laughter.</p>
<p>
  <em> Whose strength’s abundance weakens his own heart; </em>
</p>
<p>One last punch and finally merciful fading footsteps.</p>
<p>
  <em> So I, for fear of trust forget to say, the perfect ceremony of love’s rite.  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He is exhausted.</p>
<p>Of this:</p>
<p>Of everything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He's opening the medicine cabinet and grabbing the medicine his mother refuses to take and his brain naturally counts the pills and the milligrams and calculates if it is enough for him to die.</p>
<p>It is.</p>
<p>He’s pouring the pills into his hand and filling up a glass of water and he’s staring, staring at them and wondering what death will feel like.</p>
<p>He’s apologizing without knowing it because it comes naturally at this point, he apologizes with a foot in his stomach and blood pouring from his mouth, he apologizes with bruises on his face and he’s apologizing with pills in his hand.</p>
<p>He's begging for forgiveness like he always does, but it’s different this time because there’s no one who could possibly forgive him for what he’s about to do. Who he’s about to leave behind. </p>
<p>His hand shakes and he wishes he were stronger so the pills would be in a bottle rather than his hand but he’s not, he’s weak just like when his father left, just like when he let Ethan be tortured, just like when he was tied to a goalpost and left there for hours. </p>
<p>He is not enough.</p>
<p>He lifts the pills to his mouth and opens his lips and sends a prayer to a god he doesn’t believe in and-</p>
<p>“Spencer?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>here’s how it goes:</p>
<p>Diana Reid awakes from her nap and calls out to her son and hears pills clacking and a bathroom door opens.</p>
<p>“Hi, mom.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spencer Reid is 12 years old and he’s ten days away from graduating high school and his mother has saved him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He is trying to be a hero and he’s learning that all heroes suffer and their stories end in tragedy and he’s wondering if all of this is really worth it. </p>
<p>The pills in his hand shook with his will to live and he looked in the mirror and saw his bruised face and he wondered if this would all be worth it someday.</p>
<p>If he would get the chance to really live. </p>
<p>If knowledge would let him be a hero, someone who mattered instead of broken bones and cruel snickers.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Spencer is 12 years old and he’s trying to stay alive for the possibility of being a hero but it’s hard, and he’s lying in his bed listening to his mother sleep and wondering about the pills he put back because of his mom’s voice.</p>
<p>Spencer is being selfish and he knows this and he hates himself for it but he can’t stop because all of this was unfair and he feels a toddler throwing a tantrum. </p>
<p>If he couldn’t handle this, how could he ever handle being out there, in the real world, where heroes become Icarus and Caesar, where they must give and give until there’s nothing left and-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Honey?”</p>
<p>His mother calls to him, her voice dropping with exhaustion.</p>
<p>“Yeah, mom?” he whispers, trying to rid his voice of tears.</p>
<p>Diana motions for Spencer to come with her.</p>
<p>“Come sleep with mommy for tonight.” she mumbles. “i’m getting lonely.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” he replies, throwing the covers off and padding to his mother’s room.</p>
<p>They climb into her bed together and Diana grabs a Proust book from a towering pile beside her bed. </p>
<p>“Read to me, Spencer.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>It is 1993 and Spencer is 12 years old and he’s reading to his mother and she’s mumbling “what would I do without you, my son.” and he’s letting tears roll down his cheeks and onto the worn pages of Proust and he’s apologizing between stanzas. </p>
<p>how selfish he was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(how selfish he is.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading!! leave a kudos/comment if you enjoyed :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. and what will i do know with all this loneliness?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>it is 1999. the year of betrayal.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>“all i ever really want to know is how other people are making it through life- where do they put their body, hour by hour, and how do they cope inside of it.” - miranda july</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is 1999 and it is the year of many things: The launching of Mars Polar Lander, the impeachment of a U.S president, a 7.4 magnitude earthquake in Turkey and this: </p>
<p>Spencer Reid’s betrayal. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It is 1999 and Spencer is leading two men into his childhood home and they are taking his mother away. </p>
<p>She is screaming and the men are trying to calm her down and they’re saying “Ma’am, your son is 18 now, he can make medical decisions for you,”  but it doesn’t matter because:</p>
<p>Spencer is the men who are taking his mother away and he’s the shine of betrayal in her eyes and he’s the tears spilling down their cheeks and he’s the gut-wrenching guilt that is consuming him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The house is empty except for him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spencer Reid left exactly 4 years and 276 days ago and his home hadn’t changed at all. </p>
<p>He’d been off at college for exactly 4 years and 275 days and he already had one Ph.D and he was learning things he really shouldn’t know such as quantum physics and abandonment and psychopathology and crushing betrayal and every day he thought of his mother, here, in this house, alone with her curtains drawn and books scattered and voices in her head. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He is sorry. </p>
<p>He is <em> so sorry </em>. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spencer sinks to the floor with a guttural sob tearing his way from his throat and his hair is sticking to his tear-soaked cheeks and oh god, oh <em> god </em>, he is a sinner and his mother doesn’t deserve this and he’s just…he’s just…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A blinding white in the midst of yellowed pages catches his eye. </p>
<p>The title reads:<em> Identifying non-obvious relationship factors using cluster weighted modeling and geographic regression by Spencer Reid. </em> </p>
<p>His thesis. </p>
<p>“She kept it,” he whispers. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Here’s how it goes: </p>
<p> </p>
<p>His mother had begged him not to send her away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He sent her away anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And once the house is empty and the shouts of his mother have faded, he realizes the full weight of what he’s done. When it was too late to be forgiven. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(Not by his mother, but by himself. He’s committed an unforgivable sin.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spencer is whimpering on the floor and he almost feels the feet of his childhood bullies burying into him and he can feel the bruises on his ribs like it was yesterday. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s feverishly apologizing for forgiveness he doesn’t deserve and he’s staring at a copy of his thesis his mother had kept. </p>
<p>What has he done?</p>
<p>He’s betrayed her. </p>
<p>He’s sent her away, he’s taken the coward’s way out, and he is sorry, so sorry, and, and-</p>
<p>This was the only way to help her. </p>
<p>And yet: </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spencer Reid has become Judas, he’s become Cain, he’s now Brutus with fingers curling around a hidden knife. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Et tu, Brutus?</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>Spencer Reid is 18 years old and he has one PhD in psychology and he’s getting a BA in philosophy and physics and his mother would’ve been proud of him had he not sent her away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spencer is 18 years old and he’s still trying to be a hero but all he’s done is betray and condemn and he’s wishing for forgiveness that he doesn’t deserve. He's betrayed his mother and she will forgive him because he’s her son, but he doesn’t want it. </p>
<p>He needs it. </p>
<p>When the time comes, he will visit his mother in the facility he’d arranged for her to settle into and she will be happy to see him and she’ll be taking her meds because they force them down her throat each morning and perhaps she will not remember her son’s betrayal. </p>
<p>Perhaps she will, and she’ll forgive him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(He would pray, but he doesn’t have the energy for blind faith. He has given that up a long time ago.)</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Spencer spends the rest of the night in his mother’s empty house. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading!! leave a kudos/comment if you enjoyed:)) also!! feel free to leave feedback &lt;33</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. don’t make people into heroes. heroes don’t exist and if they did i wouldn’t be one of them.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>a look into spencer reid’s tragedies within his time at the BAU</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>“but i do feel strange-almost unearthly. i never get used to being alive. it’s a mystery. always startled to find i’ve survived.” -john steinbeck</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is 2007 and Spencer Reid is helping people at his job in the BAU and Elle Greenaway told him exactly 8 months ago that he should get out before he gets hurt and he didn’t understand at the time but:</p><p>It is February 2007, and Spencer Reid finally understands. </p><p> </p><p>“Confess your sins, boy!”</p><p>
  <em> No, no, please, I don't want it. </em>
</p><p>“Tell me it won’t help.”</p><p>“Please don’t do this.”</p><p>“Charles?”</p><p>“Raphael?”</p><p>“<em>Tobias</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>“You okay, kid?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“You sure?”</p><p>“I- no.”</p><p>“Hey. Talk to me.”</p><p>“I just...before, I could look at a crime scene photo and see clues, evidence, motive and a killer’s face, but now when I think of every crime scene photo I've ever looked at, all I can see is myself. A dead man in the leaves. It’s all so separate, you know? Before. Those photos, the dead people in the dumpsters, leaves and forests, we all see them and we don’t see a person anymore, all we see is a victim, a failure to stop an unsub. We see these photos and we work the cases and we get to come home, alive and the only thing we take with us is the vague memory of loss and victory. I don- I mean, they don’t get to. They don’t get to go home, morgan. Not the dead men.”</p><p>“Reid, slow down. What’s your point?”</p><p>“I was one of them. I...was dead. A dead man in rotting leaves.”</p><p>“You <em> were </em>, Reid. You’re still here. You’re still alive.”</p><p>“Yeah. I know.”</p><p>“Do you?”</p><p>“...I’m going to sleep.”</p><p>“No you’re not.”</p><p>“I know. Can’t we pretend?”</p><p> </p><p>Spencer is 26 years old and tiny bottles shake in his pocket and track marks litter his arm and he can still feel the needle sliding into his skin and he’s dreaming about the sweet taste of the drug and everyone around him is worried but he pretends they’re not. He’s itching to pull up his sleeve and prepare a needle but he knows they would never allow it. He still does it, but this comes later when he’s alone and sobbing. </p><p>It is 2007 and Spencer Reid is fooling nobody by pretending to sleep and he’s wishing he didn’t have an eidetic memory because maybe his brain would repress this; he has too many memories, too many bad ones and not enough good ones and he’s thinking too much and he just wants it all to stop but he’s much too afraid of death. Of dying. Of being a dead man in the leaves again. </p><p> </p><p>“Kid. you okay?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2008: </p><p>Gideon left him a letter.</p><p>He reads it, memorizes it then reads it again and then 12 more times. </p><p>A letter.</p><p>He’s reading it again and he sees the apology and the regret dripping from the words but all he can see is:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> My failure, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You weren’t good enough and this is why I didn't stay. You are a junkie chasing a high and I only stayed to make sure you didn’t destroy the people around you because this is what you do. Spencer, you are my greatest failure and I hope to forget you because this is your fault.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Your unwilling father, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Jason Gideon </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tears sear his cheeks with misery as he sobs at Gideon's table, in Gideon's cabin, with Gideon's letter to his surrogate son in Spencer's hand. </p><p>His father left exactly 23 years ago and Spencer remembers it like it was yesterday because his mind is cruel, because the universe knew of the life he would have and ripped away the most merciful gift yet: the ability to forget.</p><p>And now Jason Gideon is gone and he’s only left behind a letter with Spencer's name scrawled like an apology. </p><p> </p><p>Spencer Reid is 27 years old and he’s two weeks clean and he’s driving home with a letter clutched in his hand. He’s going home except not really; he’s going to an apartment stacked with books because his home, his real home has left him with nothing but a letter and a ripped out heart.</p><p>It is 2008 and Spencer Reid is, once again, a fatherless son.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2009:</p><p>14 minutes.</p><p>14 fucking minutes.</p><p>His father, his biological father, was only 14 minutes away. </p><p>(He would say real father, except he wasn’t.)</p><p>(Who was his real father?)</p><p>“Reid, come on. physics magic? we talked about this.”</p><p>(He leaves too, but this comes later.)</p><p>Penelope Garcia is telling him that his father kept files on everything he did and Spencer feels anger bubbling up inside of him because: 14 minutes.</p><p>He didn’t have to read about it in the newspaper.</p><p>He didn’t have to cut out clipping and stick them in a file.</p><p>A 14 minute drive and William Reid could’ve seen his son. </p><p>Spencer Reid is 28 years old and he’s read 423 books where sons reconcile with their fathers no matter the circumstance and when he reads them he wishes they wouldn’t be so inaccurate. </p><p>William Reid was 14 minutes away from his son for fourteen years and he’s asking his son for forgiveness and all Spencer can feel is shock. Forgiveness?</p><p><em> Forgiveness </em>?</p><p>His father felt regret for twenty five years and googled him and kept up with him and felt guilty every second he was away and all Spencer can think is: good.</p><p><em> Good </em>. </p><p>Spencer Reid never wishes anything bad on anyone, not even unsubs because all he wants to do is help them. All he ever wants to do is help those around him, but this was making his blood boil because his father is begging his son, who he abandoned to fend for himself and his mother, for forgiveness. </p><p>William Reid is perhaps the first person ever Spencer will never forgive.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2011:</p><p>Spencer barely registers the funeral. He vaguely notices tears spilling from his eyes, of comforting hands on his shoulder, of whispered apologies from strangers but he doesn't feel them, doesn’t hear them, not really, because all he can think is: Emily Prentiss is dead. </p><p>All he can feel is: he couldn't save her. </p><p>All he can hear is: <em> this is your fault, guilt, guilt, you don’t deserve to be here, you might as well have killed her. You destroy everything and everyone around you. She’s dead because of you. You- </em></p><p>“Reid?”</p><p>Spencer’s head snapped up and found Hotch’s comforting yet hard eyes looking at him. </p><p>“Y-” His voice comes out hoarse, and he clears his throat. “Yeah, Hotch?”</p><p>“This wasn’t your fault, you know. It’s okay to grieve in your own way, but you have to know this: this wasn’t your fault.”</p><p>Reid opens and closes his mouth for a few seconds, but nothing comes out. Nothing he can say will express the gratitude he feels. </p><p>Hotch nods like he understands. He does. “You’re taking a few days off.”</p><p>Spencer goes to argue, speech ready, but Hotch holds up a hand. “We all are. Our friend has just died, Reid. We have to grieve.”</p><p> </p><p>Spencer watches himself nod, and walk away. He watched himself get into his car and drive out of the graveyard. </p><p>He’s driving away. </p><p>(Away, away. Away from his friend. His lifeless friend. His friend buried exactly 6 feet below the grass he’d walked on. Away from the friend he couldn’t save.)</p><p> </p><p>Spencer pulls over. </p><p> </p><p>Screams rip themselves from his throat, guttural and dripping with grief and regret and it forms into two repeated words. </p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>(what he’s sorry for: he couldn’t save her.)</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>(sure, he will forgive himself when he runs the scenario through his head 412 times and realizes there was nothing he could’ve done, but this comes later. </p><p>“I’m so sorry.”</p><p>(For now, he’s apologizing to a dead friend whom he couldn’t save, who couldn’t hear him.)</p><p>“I’m-”</p><p>His voice cracks. </p><p>He whispers: “Please forgive me.”</p><p> </p><p>(Emily Prentiss has already forgiven him. She hasn’t forgiven herself.)</p><p> </p><p>Spencer Reid is 30 years old and he’s sobbing in his rundown car and he really should’ve learned his lesson by now. </p><p>Everyone around him is destroyed.</p><p>This is the price of trying to save people. This is the price of his knowledge.</p><p>This is the price of being: Spencer Reid, genius.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2013:</p><p>Only 105 minutes. </p><p>6300 seconds of correspondence.</p><p>Only, only, only.</p><p>(They should’ve had more.)</p><p>It is 2013 and Spencer Reid is reading letters he’s already memorized from a woman who deserves so much more.</p><p>“Dear, John Bell,”</p><p>(“Who’s Thomas Merton?!”)</p><p>“What a pleasure to read your response!”</p><p>(“He’s the only thing you can’t take from us.”)</p><p>“You and I are very alike, and I would much like it if you would write back when you receive this.”</p><p>(“No. Not the only thing.”)</p><p>“I’m intrigued by your knowledge of psychology.”</p><p>(“Wait!!”)</p><p>Maeve Donovan deserves more.</p><p>Deserved.</p><p> </p><p>Spencer Reid's apartment is trashed, books scattering his floor, the smell of regret and tense sobs and raw screams smeared in the air. </p><p>He should’ve saved her.</p><p>He should’ve kissed Diane like she was Maeve, like he was in love with her.</p><p>He should’ve done this and that and he knows what he should’ve done because he’s run through the situation exactly 232 times in his head and found exactly 52 things he could’ve done that would’ve saved Maeve. </p><p>Instead, he screamed at the woman who took away his soulmate to wait. </p><p>To <em>wait</em>.</p><p>What kind of a profiler was he?</p><p>He throws a book at the wall and watches the spine crack in half.</p><p>He practically hears Maeve chiding him.</p><p> </p><p>Except:</p><p>She isn’t here.</p><p>Spencer killed her and he screamed at her killer to “wait!” and he could’ve saved her if he’d just used his <em>brain</em> and now Maeve is dead and he has nothing left but a book by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle with a quote scrawled inside.</p><p> </p><p>Here’s how it goes:</p><p>Spencer Reid is 32 years old and he really should’ve fucking learned a lesson by now: when people get to close, he burns them. He destroys them.</p><p>It’s as if he is the sun.</p><p>He's sitting in his apartment and going through the stages of grief he’s memorized from textbooks and lectures and he’s thinking about how they really don’t explain it all that well.</p><p>His heart is being ripped out again and again every second and he’s run out of tears and his voice is gone because of his guttural screaming and he’s just numb now.</p><p>It is 2013 and Spencer Reid cannot do anything but stare at the gift he was given by a woman with a bullet in her head. </p><p><em> The Sign Of Four </em> by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2014:</p><p>Alex Blake is getting into a taxi and Spencer is watching from a balcony and he’s understanding why she has to go but he’s still screaming at her in his mind, he’s begging for her not to.</p><p><em> Mom </em>.</p><p>“Who’s Ethan?”</p><p>He watches the taxi leave and keeps watching it until it’s out of sight and he stands at the window for 35 more minutes, watching meaningless cars pass his apartment building.</p><p>There was only one vehicle he cared about and he knew it was headed to the airport and he knows he will not see her again.</p><p>He wishes he didn’t know.</p><p>He wishes he still had hope.</p><p>Spencer stares at the badge she left in his satchel and stares at the 1 inch by 1 inch picture of Alex Blake and he’s understanding her without even trying.</p><p>(This is what family is.)</p><p> </p><p>There isn’t much else left to say. </p><p> </p><p>From the day Spencer met her, he knew she would leave because they always do, and it isn’t their fault because he is the sun and they cannot come too close without getting burned and he’s bursting with apologies with tears in his eyes every second of every day.</p><p>He's sorry, he’s so sorry, and he’s apologizing to the tiny picture of Alex Blake, (his mother), and he’s trying not to sob but he’s failing and a fat tear lands on her retired credentials.</p><p>He knew this would happen, and he’s crying anyway. </p><p> </p><p>Spencer Reid is 33 years old and he’s exhausted. </p><p>(He really should’ve learned his goddamn lesson by now.)</p><p> </p><p>Here’s how it goes:</p><p>Spencer Reid destroys everyone around him and still sobs when they leave.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2015:</p><p>“Are you sure it’s him?”</p><p>“it’s him.”</p><p>Spencer Reid can’t breathe.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He just wants to play one last game with him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Is that too much to ask? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Just one. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nelson’s Sparrow- a small American sparrow found in salt marshes along the Atlantic coast of the United States.</p><p> </p><p>Jason Gideon loved birds. Spencer never understood it, but his infatuation led Reid to spend nights researching them and memorizing facts and looking at pictures Gideon especially loved. </p><p>“Did you know,” Spencer would always start off when he first saw Gideon every new day, and Gideon would smile because this was their routine. Reid would then tell him something he learned about Jason's favorite bird and his boss (his father) would pretend to not know and allow Reid to ramble until they had a case.</p><p>He was Spencer's father. his real one.</p><p>(until he left his son behind.)</p><p>Spencer is staring at Gideon's lifeless body under a sheet and he can’t breathe. He can’t, can’t, can’t do anything but let tears spill down his cheeks because he was gone. Truly gone. </p><p> </p><p>Spencer used to fantasize about running into Gideon after he left Spencer the note a few years ago. On the street, at work, at home, anywhere.</p><p>Alive. </p><p> </p><p>Someone is saying something and someone has a hand on his shoulder and he’s nodding, pretending he can hear them but all he can hear, all he can think of is the letter he was left with: it’s ringing in his ears. </p><p>Jason Gideon was gone. </p><p>His father was gone. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> This wasn’t fair.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>(One more game of chess? Just one more. I just need to say goodbye. You never let me, and the last words I ever said to you were: “Night, Gideon.” I need more.)</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Please don’t leave me. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Spencer Reid is 34 years old and he’s collapsing inside his apartment and sobbing and the universe is unfair. </p><p><em> You could’ve taken me </em> , he’s screaming, <em> You could’ve had me! </em></p><p>He doesn’t know who he’s screaming at: a god he doesn’t believe in, an unsentiant universe, something he can’t imagine. It doesn’t matter. All he knows is this: </p><p>They could’ve had him.</p><p><em> Not Gideon </em> , he’s whispering, screaming, sobbing. <em> Not my father. </em></p><p> </p><p>It is 2015 and Spencer Reid has lost too many parents and he’s numb on his apartment floor.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2016:</p><p>Hank Spencer Morgan.</p><p>Spencer Reid never had a brother. never had a protector. never had someone who called him “kid” lovingly, never had someone who listened to him before he met Derek Morgan. </p><p>Never knew he could be vulnerable before he met Derek Morgan. </p><p>Now he was leaving. </p><p> </p><p>Reid should’ve expected this. </p><p> </p><p>Spencer is angry, but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand. He's crying, but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand. He does more than anybody. </p><p>Hank Spencer Morgan. </p><p>“and Spencer...for the best younger brother i could’ve asked for.”</p><p>They were family. </p><p> </p><p>(Why does his family always leave him?)</p><p> </p><p>Spencer knew why Morgan was leaving. He, as much as he could, understood. He would’ve been left with Maeve had she not...</p><p>He understood. </p><p> </p><p>(Why doesn’t he get a family? He’d give anything for his own.)</p><p> </p><p>Spencer is saying goodbye to his brother. </p><p>This wasn’t fair.</p><p> </p><p>Spencer Reid is 34 years old and he’s finally able to say goodbye to a family member who is leaving but he wishes they wouldn’t leave. He needs Morgan.</p><p>He knows this is selfish but this is who he is: a selfish person. </p><p>He almost begs his teammate (former, now) to stay but he forces himself to understand why he is leaving. He needs to go. </p><p>Spencer digs his fingernails into his palm and barely notices it’s bleeding.</p><p>“Goodbye, Morgan.”</p><p> </p><p>(He doesn’t bandage his hand when he gets home. He lets it rot. This is the price of being selfish.)</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2017:</p><p>Inmate 27547 is getting off a bus in clothes that he has to take off and replace them with identity-stripping white and blue. He is carrying a box of things that match every other inmate because he is not an individual anymore. He is a prisoner.</p><p>Inmate 27547 is supposed to be in protective custody but a cruel guard with a sneer and a secret is pulling him from the crowd and shoving him into the general population. </p><p>Inmate 27547 is being beaten, but no one cares. </p><p> </p><p>(one does, but he is a demon disguised as an angel. a savior. Inmate 27547 used to be a profiler, but he is so desperate for a rescue that he looks past it.)</p><p> </p><p>Inmate 27547 has an IQ of 187 and can read 20,000 words per minute and many people have called him a genius but he is in a concrete box with the word <em> guilty </em> stamped onto every part of him. His IQ doesn’t matter here. All that matters is if he knows how to survive. </p><p> </p><p>Inmate 27547 has friends who come visit him, but he can’t touch them and he feels disconnected from the life he used to have because he is dirty, guilty, a murderer. </p><p> </p><p>He is denied bail because of this.</p><p> </p><p>Inmate 27547 is learning to survive because of his disguised demon and he’s profiling everyone around him but his “savior”</p><p>He’s afraid of what he’ll find. </p><p>Inmate 27547 makes another friend and really should’ve known better because anyone who gets close is burnt. Destroyed. </p><p>The body stays in his mind for weeks.</p><p>Inmate 27547 is asked to do something he cannot do so he pretends to and he is scared he’s beginning to- </p><p>
  <em> think like them, starting to survive like them- </em>
</p><p>He does what he has to do but is still guilty. dirty. a murderer.</p><p> </p><p>Inmate 27547 has a mother.</p><p>And she is used against him. </p><p>Inmate 27547 is powerless and he feels as if he will claw his way out, all this restless energy, all this regret, he should’ve been a better son-</p><p> </p><p>His “savior” is a demon. </p><p>He knows this now. </p><p> </p><p>His past has come back to haunt him. </p><p>“I know you.”</p><p>“Lindsey?”</p><p>“We believe Cat Adams is working with-”</p><p> </p><p>There is too much. </p><p>He just wants his mom back.</p><p>He just wants to rest.</p><p>he just wants to be innocent. </p><p> </p><p>Here’s how it goes: </p><p>Spencer Reid is proven innocent and he gets out and gets to hug his family again but his past has come back because it, she, wants revenge. </p><p>He can’t protect anyone anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“Was that a predetermined signal to kill my mother!”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“Tell me the truth!”</p><p>“<em> I am </em>!”</p><p> </p><p>He dances with his past. </p><p>He pretends to not hate her with every fiber of his being.</p><p>He pretends he cares about her. </p><p> </p><p>He finds his mother. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Spencer Reid is 36 years old and he’s tired. He's tired of being guilty, tired of feeling this overwhelming regret, he’s tired of hurting people. </p><p>Ever since Spencer was a kid, all he’s ever wanted to do was help people. Be a hero. And he’s trying, he’s tried. God knows he’s tried, but everything bad that ever happened to those around him was his fault. </p><p>It was all his fault. </p><p> </p><p>It is 2017, and Spencer Reid is on the edge of a bridge.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ahh thanks so much for reading!! this is the last chapter of “here is the repeated image of a lover destroyed.” HOWEVER it’s a series!! 🥳🥳🥳 it’s going to be a two part series. thank you guys for reading and sticking with this fanfic and i hope you’ll continue to read it as i update!! &lt;333 if you enjoyed, leave a comment/kudos if you want :)) also, some of these parts are vague and if you have any questions or feedback, please feel free to drop them in the comment section!! ❤️</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey!! thanks for reading! 🥺❤️kudos and comments are immensely appreciated, if you want to leave your thoughts  below! the next chapter is coming very soon, I'm almost done with it :)) I'm not sure how many chapters this will be yet, but stay tuned!! &lt;3 </p><p>also for people that have read my other CM fanfiction: 1) thank you 🥺🥺 2) ahh I can't stop writing about reid!! I promise I have range!! I'll write about someone else in the BAU team eventually lmao</p></blockquote></div></div>
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